i promise

Feelings,
burning, aching,
a tingling hunger in my veins.
I wish to outrun myself,
to silence my mind.

I miss the buzz,
the whisper of relief,
the numbing warmth
crawling in my bones.

Just one, I swear.
One sip, one escape.
But one births two,
and two swallows three.
No stopping now,
my brain is drowning,
my body is free.

i am good

This day is okay.

I gather what I can,
okay is enough for me right now.

I am grateful for the ones around me,
the love I have chosen - the family I have found.
A circle of strength, support, and love - my new kin.
And yet, I wonder how my blood is holding on.

Is my mother okay?
If my father still carries his loneliness like a second skin, does he feel the distance too?
Do they think of me as I think of them?

Guilt burrows deep in my chest, as if finding a new family means forsaking the old.
And still, anger warms itself in my heart, a quiet flame burning for my mother, my father.

Angry at what could have been, the dreams that slipped away, the chances never taken.
And yet, here I stand - a daughter, a sister, a partner.
I carry a hidden story beneath my skin,
a story that has shaped me into who I am -

and I am good.

just another tuesday

I got the call,
my admission starts in a week.

I feel stressed, uncertain, uneasy.
Should I go through with this?
Sometimes it feels like my heart and my mind
are at war with each other.

Suddenly, I feel sick, nauseous, exposed.
I wish there were a button to fast-forward
to any point in life,
so I wouldn’t have to leave home.
the only place that has ever felt safe.

So I could stay with him,
the one who anchors me,
who keeps the light from fading,

It’s all coming at me so fast,
and suddenly, it feels so heavy.
The air is too thick to breathe,
as if I’m choking on my own lungs,
drowning in my own sweat.

Saturday morning

I do not expect others to understand the depths of my feelings when I say I'm unhappy, sadness isn't just a weight I bear. It's not just a moment of feeling low, but rather a deep pit from which I cannot climb out. It’s not the kind of slump that comes after a tough week, it’s an endless void where tears flow until there are no more to shed. I am not sad - no longer. Now, tears have left me, and in their place is an emptiness that feels like failure, as though I don’t belong in this world. There seems to be too little space for me here, sometimes it feels like my presence could vanish without anyone noticing. Often, I wake up hoping to find myself freed from this dream - a short journey where none of this is real. Yet perhaps hope should stay by my side, it gives me purpose in the midst of despair - what else would hold me steady through life? Friends are absent from my days, and my bond with my mother has ended, i feel like a sister who has stumbled and hurt many along the way. The pain I've caused lingers, a cycle passed down from mother to daughter. This is my burden. The one reason for my existence tied with suffering - strangely beautiful yet painfully so.